I have often wonder from the children’s perspective, how they viewed us coming into their home every week. Was there any real depth or meaning to our relationship or did they see us coming every week as something we had to do. This question often arises in my mind when I encounter a child who shows a sudden disinterest or lost of interest in us. For example, one of the boys there would actively participate and join in on the activities one week, but then the following week would keep away and simply watch television. I often read into this as the child realizing that our presence there is superficial and very limited in terms of time. In my mind, I think that the kid is thinking why make an effort to play and interact with these people when soon enough they’ll be gone. I also sometimes get the sense that perhaps some of the children think that we are only there because we have to be there. This is certainly not the case and I think most of the children know this. I have gone to Xa Me and visited the children when I was completely exhausted or extremely ill when I could have easily not showed up. What I have learned in my past experiences with children and my own personal experience is that children take commitment in relationships very seriously. Growing up with a father that was in and out of my life and then completely absent for a long period of time affected me tremendously. I guess when you’re a kid, the “grown-ups” should not disappoint you or make mistake. Unfortunately, I learned that the hard way and I was very disappointed and perhaps this influences my current thought process now. My greatest fear is to disappoint the children or to in any way fail them. I chose to work at Xa Me and with these children because not only did I want to make an impact, but perhaps I wanted to provide some type of grown-up figure type role model for the children.
I have also wonder about how they view me, am I like a big brother too them or perhaps a friend? With some children I help them with their homework, often times its their English homework and with others I primarily play with them. Then there are others who will talk to me about things like love and life. Does the activity I engage in with the children affect the type of relationship they think they have with me. I have honestly tried to make an effort to bond with every child and of course their perception of me will vary from child to child, but I can’t help to think that if I only played with a certain child and never tried to talk or try to teach him something, that my relationship with that particular child was only superficial. He or she could simply play with anyone and in that sense I am very replaceable. Subsequently, I would find myself trying to engage in deeper meaning things with certain kids that I only generally play with. In my mind, I am not quite sure how they view me and I’m not sure exactly on how I would like them to view me. Reflecting on this notion and thinking about how I would want them to remember me when I leave, I guess I would want them to see me as an older brother type. The older brother that jokes around and plays but was there for them when they needed help in homework or any other situations they encountered. I think a lot of this stems from the fact that I believe I did a pretty poor job as an older brother to my own blood brother. There were certainly things I could have done and times I should have been there for him, which sometimes make me feel really guilty. Perhaps this explains why I love children and always attempt to obtain their affection and love. My brother was pretty bitter growing up and I still see a bit of that anger in him and perhaps this is a way towards redemption. I know I can’t change the past but perhaps I can do good to compensate for my past.
This is perhaps my biggest fear at Xa Me as well to have a child feel as though I failed or abandoned him or her. Things are obviously going to be hard for both parties when the last final good-bye is said and the truth of the matter is I am the one who is leaving. I am the one with the luxury to leave and return to my comfortable life back in America while these children have to continue to suffer the conditions in Vietnam. Lets face it, with the background of these children its going to be very difficult for them to socially mobilize and do well later in life. There’s no one to push them and help them succeed in life and none of them have the resources. I feel guilty because while I wish the best for these children and some of them are incredibly smart, their future is very bleak. I can only do so much but what I have done doesn’t feel like its enough. The children may not view it this way but I feel like I haven’t done enough, like there is more I can do to increase their chances of succeeding. In this reflection, I reveal that I constantly think about what the children think of me and the relationship we have because I feel so guilty. As I reflect and look at all the good things I was able to accomplish, I have to always think about the things that I could have done.
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