Reflecting on Expectations and Goals

Now that we’ve reached the end of our volunteering service at Xa Me I want to take the opportunity to reflect on the goals and expectations we initially had and whether it was met. While things obviously changed and got modified over the course of these few months, I think several themes or goals remain constant. For one, I wanted to make a positive impact on the children and allow them to have the feeling that they could have someone to rely on and not feel disappointed. Did I make a positive impact on the children? I think I certainly accomplished that goal in several regards. Through certain activities and through conversations, I think we got the children to think a little bit about their future and what they would like to pursue when they got older. Perhaps they’ve always thought about being a singer or a policeman, but I think by giving them the opportunity to talk about it, makes it more of a reality and much more reachable. Further, I think we have helped to give a lot of the children more self-confidence and a love for themselves. For example, one boy name Canh was completely miserable when we first got there and for weeks he was quiet and kept to himself. This was understandable considering that he was new to Xa Me and he really missed his home. I could only imagine what was going through his mind about his family giving him up. I think he was questioning his worth as a person because he was now living at an orphanage. However, as we encouraged him to participate in the games he slowly began to open up. Things improve even more when we taught English. He was in the English class I thought and although it was clear he did not know the basic, he was very eager and enthusiastic to learn. Now if you go there, he’s definitely one of the more active kids, running and joking around. I’m not saying that we changed the kid’s life but I would like to think we certainly made an impact. This is only one example and there are many more. The second previously mentioned goal of being there for them I think was certainly met and they know we make an incredible effort to be there. For this I would like to point out two examples when I was sick and still went to Xa Me as regularly scheduled. So on two separate occasion I showed up ill and it was quite obviously by my demeanor and the exhaustion on my face that I was not feeling well. To my surprise many of the children asked me why did I show up when I was not feeling well and that I should go home. I told them that I wanted to be there and did not want to miss the opportunity to see them. By the look on the children’s face I could tell that they really appreciated it. They also asked me to stay there and spend the night if I couldn’t make it home. For me and I believe for many people, all we ever want is to have people who will be there and who will be there consistently. Before I continue on about my own goals and expectation I would like to diverge and reflect on other people’s expectation for us at Xa Me.

I’ll start first with the organization. I did not get the opportunity to initially meet with the owners, but from what I heard they wanted us to teach the children English in a very informal setting. Other than that there were very few ground rules or expectations given to us. First let me point out the fact that there was poor communications between ourselves and the organization that I wish could have been better. For example, on a couple of occasions we would show up and the children told us “bà” won’t let us come in and visit with the children because they were painting the house and we should come back the next day. The next day we would show up and another excuse was given about not being allowed to come in. I believe that this was a way for getting back at us because the wife of the owner told us we did not inform them about going to Southern Vietnam for a week and the children were terribly worried. However, I recall that one of us did inform the children of our absents. Honestly, I don’t think the owners have much expectations or goals for us and that’s why they did not care what we did. In terms of teaching English, we dropped the formal structural lesson plan because we saw no point in teaching English especially when some did not want to learn. However, I think informal teaching lessons were given throughout and that’s exactly what the owners wanted. Subsequently, I must say that we met their expectations and if anything exceeded it.

Anh Thai had a more realistic expectation for our time at Xa Me and that was if you could impact just one kid then you were successful. He knew that we weren’t going to be able to help all of the children and perhaps he wanted us to feel better about ourselves. Or perhaps by saying that he wanted to motivate us to do more and from this perspective I would say it certainly work. The celebration/party we had last week was a huge success and epitomized our time at Xa Me. At times it would get crazy and chaotic, but we are constantly adjusting and in the end things always work out for the best. The party was not supposed to occur that day but when we put our plan to action thing worked out perfectly. We were able to procure all the food and games at a very reasonable price and the day turn out to be a success.

So in concluding this reflection on goals and expectations I think we did pretty well. Of course there are things we could have change and improve but life is too unexpected. We took what we were given and made the best of it and things certainly worked out fine. I feel a lot better now leaving the children because I think we did make a positive impact on these children. I can honestly say that we will leave the children with something they can use later on in life. For some it was a good English lesson, for others it was helping them talk about and deal with life issue, and for other it was giving them the self-confidence they needed.

How do the Children View Me

I have often wonder from the children’s perspective, how they viewed us coming into their home every week. Was there any real depth or meaning to our relationship or did they see us coming every week as something we had to do. This question often arises in my mind when I encounter a child who shows a sudden disinterest or lost of interest in us. For example, one of the boys there would actively participate and join in on the activities one week, but then the following week would keep away and simply watch television. I often read into this as the child realizing that our presence there is superficial and very limited in terms of time. In my mind, I think that the kid is thinking why make an effort to play and interact with these people when soon enough they’ll be gone. I also sometimes get the sense that perhaps some of the children think that we are only there because we have to be there. This is certainly not the case and I think most of the children know this. I have gone to Xa Me and visited the children when I was completely exhausted or extremely ill when I could have easily not showed up. What I have learned in my past experiences with children and my own personal experience is that children take commitment in relationships very seriously. Growing up with a father that was in and out of my life and then completely absent for a long period of time affected me tremendously. I guess when you’re a kid, the “grown-ups” should not disappoint you or make mistake. Unfortunately, I learned that the hard way and I was very disappointed and perhaps this influences my current thought process now. My greatest fear is to disappoint the children or to in any way fail them. I chose to work at Xa Me and with these children because not only did I want to make an impact, but perhaps I wanted to provide some type of grown-up figure type role model for the children.

I have also wonder about how they view me, am I like a big brother too them or perhaps a friend? With some children I help them with their homework, often times its their English homework and with others I primarily play with them. Then there are others who will talk to me about things like love and life. Does the activity I engage in with the children affect the type of relationship they think they have with me. I have honestly tried to make an effort to bond with every child and of course their perception of me will vary from child to child, but I can’t help to think that if I only played with a certain child and never tried to talk or try to teach him something, that my relationship with that particular child was only superficial. He or she could simply play with anyone and in that sense I am very replaceable. Subsequently, I would find myself trying to engage in deeper meaning things with certain kids that I only generally play with. In my mind, I am not quite sure how they view me and I’m not sure exactly on how I would like them to view me. Reflecting on this notion and thinking about how I would want them to remember me when I leave, I guess I would want them to see me as an older brother type. The older brother that jokes around and plays but was there for them when they needed help in homework or any other situations they encountered. I think a lot of this stems from the fact that I believe I did a pretty poor job as an older brother to my own blood brother. There were certainly things I could have done and times I should have been there for him, which sometimes make me feel really guilty. Perhaps this explains why I love children and always attempt to obtain their affection and love. My brother was pretty bitter growing up and I still see a bit of that anger in him and perhaps this is a way towards redemption. I know I can’t change the past but perhaps I can do good to compensate for my past.

This is perhaps my biggest fear at Xa Me as well to have a child feel as though I failed or abandoned him or her. Things are obviously going to be hard for both parties when the last final good-bye is said and the truth of the matter is I am the one who is leaving. I am the one with the luxury to leave and return to my comfortable life back in America while these children have to continue to suffer the conditions in Vietnam. Lets face it, with the background of these children its going to be very difficult for them to socially mobilize and do well later in life. There’s no one to push them and help them succeed in life and none of them have the resources. I feel guilty because while I wish the best for these children and some of them are incredibly smart, their future is very bleak. I can only do so much but what I have done doesn’t feel like its enough. The children may not view it this way but I feel like I haven’t done enough, like there is more I can do to increase their chances of succeeding. In this reflection, I reveal that I constantly think about what the children think of me and the relationship we have because I feel so guilty. As I reflect and look at all the good things I was able to accomplish, I have to always think about the things that I could have done.

Going Home

Saying good-bye is always the hardest, but it’s even more difficult when you’ve met a group of bright and wonderful people. Over the last four months, I have been given the opportunity to create unforgettable memories with an exceptional group of people. Unfortunately, in a few weeks all that will be left are these memories. The reality of us keeping in touch are very low given all of our busy lives and the possibility of us ever seeing one another again are even slimmer. I mean we will try to keep in contact via email but in reality we’ll be lucky to receive random facebook postings. I don’t want to be negative and I am sure people will be able to keep in contact, but this is what I have experienced in the past. Regardless, I know that meeting these people will not have been in vain because I have gained and learned so much in the last four months that I will continue to use in my life back home. I have learned so important life lessons such as allowing others to help you when you need it and always assume positive intent in people because they are genuinely good people in the world. Vietnam surely has been an entirely different world, one that I was not use to, but in my four months I was able to grow and adapt and learn things about myself I would have not otherwise discovered and for that I am truly grateful.

When I arrived in Vietnam, I was frightened and scared of the “dangerous and lawless” land I was about to encountered. I was warned by family and friends to always be on alert for fear someone would either rob me or rip me off. I was an American so I was a target and all people wanted to do was to exploit me. However, I soon discovered that the things everyone told me were completely wrong. Sure, the traffic in Hanoi is dangerous and crossing the street means risking your life. Sometimes eating the food means risking your well-being and sometimes avoiding the toilet is impossible. The streets are not clean and the pollution feels like it could give you lung cancer. However, in spite of all the flaws, Vietnam has been very good to me. It has taught me how to constantly adapt and adjust in order to survive. Further, people have good intentions and if you need help, ask for it, and you shall receive. While back home I would be hesitant to ask for directions back home, I have learn to ask for it frequently. Also, when I was down and was in need of help people are always too willing to come to my side and help. For example, when I was sick many people would offer to take me to see a doctor or go help buy medicine for me. I had one friend who I did not really know come check on me and bought me milk and tea to drink, knowing I had difficulty eating. Vietnam has reminded me about the goodness of mankind and while we are all trying to survive in this world, offering one another a helping hand surely makes living easier.

I will never forget Vietnam because it essentially gave me my first relationship and with such an amazing girl. She thought me what it is like to care about another more than you care for yourself and sometimes putting that other individual before you. I questioned in the past what the point of relationships were but now I realize what it means. You have a special someone who you can share your experiences with, a special someone who is there for you through the ups and the downs, and someone who is there with you to overcome the difficulties in life. Our time together has been, in my eyes, incredibly short but nevertheless rewarding and amazing. I cherish all the times we have and knowing that our time together is short I can only hope one day I get to see her again. For these reasons, a part of my heart will always stay in Vietnam. My mother’s land and the land that gave me so many unforgettable memories. Tôi yêu Việt Nam!!!

Leaving so soon?

The children of Xa Me are aware that we cannot stay here forever and while they have grown accustomed to our bi-weekly visits, they know that that too must come to an end. So what is the best way to go about expressing a very sad and depressing reality. My mother had always told me to be very upfront and direct and hope for the best. These few months with the children at Xa Me has been an absolutely amazing experience, one that I will always remember. From what I can tell the children have also appreciated our presence and we both wish this relationship would not end.

So we told the children that we have two weeks left with them and I scanned the room, I could honestly see the sadness in the children’s eyes and it simply broke my heart. We all knew it would come to an end but no one would have guessed the end would come so soon. There’s still so much I want them to know and so many things I wish to share with them. There are so much potential in all the children. One boy Doan who helps the younger children draw pictures for school has the potential to be an amazing artist. I wish I could convey to him and further help aid him on a career towards art. I have taken time to talk with him and he’s one of the more well-behaved kids willing to help the younger one. Nevertheless, there is so much I want to teach the children. For example, I have been helping a girl name Ziep with her English homework and I have seen great progress. It’s the simple things that always touch me. Now she is able to distinguish the use of “do” and “does” with singular and plural subjects, which for me is exciting. It has become a routine for us that every Tuesday and Thursday when I come, we will sit down for a half an hour and work on the English homework and just talk. I also feel that I have taught the children to be more conscious of their actions, particularly the fighting. I have told the boys repeatedly that “boys cannot hit girls” and I think it has sunk into the minds of some of the boys. Naturally, there is still the occasional fighting but I it has decreased somewhat. This was a serious issue before because of the severity of the fighting but now it is not such a problem.

There is only two weeks left and as much as we try to deny it the end is coming soon. I want to take this time to reflect on the relationship between myself and the children. In the beginning we were warn that we should refrain from developing an emotional bond to the children because of the inevitable end results. The relationship between the children and ourselves should be only surface level, however, I soon realize that this was not possible. As I have mentioned in previous posts, these children remind me so much of my cousins back home and with 24 of them it matches the number of cousins I have. As a result, my relationship with the children of Xa Me in many ways imitate the relationships I have with my cousins. Starting with the obvious, there are certain children that I do like and prefer over the others and I spend more time with them, not to say that I don’t make an effort to spend time with all the children. This is also the same for the children, where some will prefer to hang out with Kristine or Emily instead of me, but we still interact. Also, in regards to fighting I am not so shocked or annoyed by it as the others because I see it among my cousins all the time. They’ll poke fun at one another and engage in playful fighting, but seldom will things get serious. While I don’t condone this kind of behavior, its something that I have grown up with and therefore, I guess I’m more accustomed to than the others. The behavior of the children remind me a lot of my cousins back home and as a result I have grown very fond and attached to them and vice versa. I can say that I genuinely care for these children and I want the best for them. I know my time here is short but I want them to continue to strive and do well in life. What is the best way to ease the pain when I have to go home for both sides of the party? I honestly don’t have an answer to that besides giving it time. I think the months we have spent with the children have definitely made an impact on them and I hope that they will go on to do significant things.

Group Work

The way I work is pretty unconventional and so I have a tendency to work alone and as with most, I feel I work more efficiently alone. However, there are times when working alone becomes overwhelming and having a group support is much better. While working alone have its definite benefits, so too does working in groups. The workload can be distributed accordingly and each member assumes a role that he or she becomes responsible for. In its ideal form, working in a group is much easier than working alone because more work can be done and can be done efficiently. For our “Kiem An” Project, we were put into several smaller groups to get the work done and for the most part I believe that it went quite well. All of our deadlines were met and the quality of our work was good. We distributed the work among ourselves and for the most part we all did about equal amount of works. However, with every group, I have experienced that there is always at least one individual who can be described as the “weakest link.” This individual does very little or no work at all and relies heavily on the contributions of others.

For my group in particular, overall we did pretty well and the work was distributed equally, with the exception of one which I will discuss later. Initially, we interviewed our first two occupations in larger numbers which actually turned out to be less efficient. There would be three or four of us interviewing which I felt intimidated the interviewee and make him/her feel uncomfortable, which in turn affected the answers we were given. After that initial trial and error phase we were able to refine our approach and so naturally our team divided into two smaller teams of two. However, bear in mind we have five members total in our group. Working in teams of two for the interview, we were able to get more out of the interviewee and the conversation was very casual. The transcribing and translating was done according to the group as well, however, group members of another group would assist as well. Everyone would try to attribute to the editing and proofreading of the work.

As previously mentioned, the group work was not without problems. The one individual in particular did very little to contribute in the beginning. In fact, this individual did not go to any interviews nor assist in any transcribing, translation, or proofreading of the work. While many of the group members were angered by this, we passed it off because we knew that this lack of work and effort would reflect in the grade this individual received. However, as soon as it was reiterated in class that part of the grade would be based upon peer evaluation of the group work, there was a miraculous turnaround in this individual and this person wanted to do all the work and for a lack of a better term “kiss everyone’s ass.” For the last couple interviews, this individual made an effort to be at every interview and do all the transcribing and translating. While I applaud the individual’s effort, my response is: too little too late. What infuriates me more is the fact that I have confronted this individual and this person did not deny it. My peer evaluation will take into consideration the work she has done now, but it will definitely reflect the lack of work done at the beginning. With that said, beside the bad apple, working with this group has been a fun and rewarding experience. We helped each other even though we were divided into smaller groups and the communication was for the most part open and direct. As a result, we got much of the work done and done well.

Fundraising Efforts

It has been a fun-filled and effective week of fundraising for our upcoming Nghe An trip to the North to donate coats for the children. Although, we had to significantly adjust our original plans I would have to it has been an overall success due to the collective efforts of the UCHANU group. Further, I feel it has tremendously helped us become more integrated into the Hanu University campus by making the students aware of our presence and our willingness to volunteer and help. In retrospect, “if we would have known back then what we know now” we would have started these fundraising and made efforts to be a part of Hanu in the beginning.

There was a lot of enthusiasm in the beginning as we prepared for our less than two week intensive fundraising campaign. The goal was $1,500 and while the numbers raised are unavailable, it has been wonderfully successful. In addition to setting up an information booth to make the Hanu students aware and presenting our cause in the classrooms, we were able to sell food and beverages and put on a “High Roller” Casino Night to raise money and celebrate all of our work. Of course, the fundraising efforts were not without some problems. At onset of the fundraiser, many people were very vocal about doing this and that and were very adamant about their inputs. While that is perfectly fine, when push came to shove and action was required, suddenly these voices vanished and only a select group of people really put in work to make this fundraiser successful. I shouldn’t be surprise because this is normally the case but its definitely important that we address it. In particular, the “High Roller” casino night, which should had the most volunteers had less than 10 people helping. There was a great deal of work to do be done that included, transferring tables and chairs from the classrooms to the roof, purchasing material, decorations, and setting everything up. At the end of the day, we were completely exhausted. I am not using this complain or nag, but simply to state what many people have overlooked. People are always inclined to voice their opinion but normally the loudest voice has the weakest conviction and follow through. Nevertheless, the fundraising was very successful and for those who helped I thank you tremendously.

Xa Me vs Street Kids

The trip to the South unexpectedly provided me with a very eye opening reality in regards to Xa Me. While I expected to have fun and not worry about the responsibilities back home in Hanoi, I couldn’t help but thing about Xa Me and the children there. In my previous blogs, I have harshly criticized the organization for its lack of structure among many things but after the Southern trip things have changed slightly. The truth of the matter is that while the conditions at Xa Me are not ideal by an stretch of the imagination, it is nevertheless an organization that provides these children with the basic essential necessities, i.e. shelter, food, and the opportunity of education. For Vietnam and given the situation these children are in with their families being able to provide for them, Xa Me is very important and I am coming to realize that point.

Often times while in the Old Quarters, I am approached by a young child no more than 10 years old asking me to purchase chewing gums or other small items. Of course it is extremely difficult not to feel sympathetic and one’s natural course of action is to purchase whatever the child is selling because the cost is miniscule. For me in particular, I am reminded of my children at Xa Me and how without a place to stay life would be extremely difficult. However, often times when I am with Hanu or other Vietnamese they warn me against purchasing anything. They say that you will only attract more children and you simply can’t help them all. In the South, the prevalence of these “street children” increased significantly and they seem to roam the street offering you lottery tickets. While being constantly bombarded by children in the South, I began to see Xa Me in a slightly more positive life and the conditions did not seem so bad anymore. The most important thing is that my children at Xa Me do not have to endure the struggles and hardship of “street children” which would most likely be there reality if not for a Xa Me. In this train of thoughts, I catch myself viewing the situation with Xa Me from a very American perspective rather than one that is more applicable and local. I feel that I hold Xa Me to a very American standard way of living where the facilities should be better, the care more adequate, or even the meals more diverse. In this perspective, of course things will not seem as adequate as it should, but with something to now juxtapose it with, things change dramatically. The children who are forced to wander the streets begging the strangers to buy their goods always seem exhausted and the youthful naivety and joy that they ought to have has been replaced. Many of these children know much about the harshness of life at such a young age, which is never good. They know what it is like to have to not have sufficient food and are constantly worrying about where their next meal is going to be. At least at Xa Me, the children are provided with food and while the quality and variety is not particularly impressive, it is more than the street children have.

The children at Xa Me also have the opportunity to go to school and have an education which is very significant in social mobility and improving living standards. From what I can tell, the street children work nearly all day tirelessly wandering the streets. At Xa Me, the children go to school everyday and even have a special tutor that comes during the week to help. Many of the children also really like school and seizes the opportunity they have. I was particularly excited this week when some of the children bragged to me about their high scores in school. Further, when children tease each other about receiving low marks, the targeted child becomes pretty defensive and angry. In reality, the opportunity to go to school and not having to work is a luxury in Vietnam.

Down South

The highly anticipated Southern trip certainly did not disappoint by any standards. Despite staying primarily in the center of Saigon in the richer/upper-class section of District 1, I felt as though I belonged here and more comfortable with the environment and especially the people. It was not that the food was familiarly delicious or the people seem to speak in a way I could finally understand on the first try, but it was more about the feel of the place and ties I knew my family had here. Indeed, we had a splendid time going out and enjoying the lovely dishes, but the trip to the South for me was more about learning things and experiencing things that my family once did in an effort to try to understand. I think this notion is very applicable to my fellow peers as well especially for those who had the opportunity to visit family and relatives that were in the South. Observing their excitement and hearing their stories about what went on during their visits gave me a warm and pleasant feeling and honestly a bit of envy. I do have family in the South but I am not quite sure where exactly and I was not encouraged by my family to look for them. I was told that when Vietnamese Americans are labeled as being very rich and therefore should be ready to present relatives with money. However, from what I have seen, this is certainly not the case as I have seen many peers given large amounts of gift and never have to worry about expenses because their families were more than generous. I was lucky enough to be invited to Mindy’s uncle’s restaurant and the generosity was amazing. This has compelled me to seek out my own gia đình and see what experiences lies in store for me.

Factory Work

Quite expectedly, there was a stark contrast between the state own factory and the foreign-owned Yamaha factory with the latter being of a much better quality. While one would assume that a foreign company would establish a factory in Vietnam for the benefits of minimal health and safety regulations that was certainly not the case in the Yamaha factories. The working conditions were quite exceptional with there being lots of space and a nice clean environment. This was in comparison to the Vinamex factory where the environment was very stress-inducing and at times unbearable. While the machines pound away at your ear drums, the heat and smell stifles you and its hard to imagine ever working in such space. This was in contrast to the Yamaha factory where the floors had been waxed so much you felt as though you would simply fall. Further, I noticed that brooms and sweep pans were always within reach and the temperature was comfortable. To be fair, the Yamaha factory seem to have regular visits as evident by the benches situated throughout the factory as though they were randomly and strategically placed. Also accompanying these benches were Japanese writing which could indicate that either it was tourist attraction or that Japanese executives frequented the place often. The gender distribution in terms of employees were also different with the car factories seeming to have more males workers whereas the other factory the women heavily outnumbered the men especially in the stitching portion of the factory. Nevertheless there were similarities in the factories.

Include All

The issues of exclusion and inclusion are very applicable and significant when it comes to Xa Me. While ideally, we would like everyone to participate and we do try to include everyone, this is never the case because of many reasons. Obviously age plays a factor and with so many children ranging from six years old all the way up to eighteen, it is not possible to find an activity to capture everyone’s interest and keep them involved. Another factor seems to circulate around this issue of gender and how the boys and girls can only play harmoniously when they are segregated from one another. The reality is boys and girls are more comfortable playing with the same sex and infrequently will play with the other. In the incidences that they do interact, the results are often negative, ending in name calling or physical conflicts. Finally, there are just some children who like to keep to themselves and I’ve noticed a few that have this tendency.

The eldest boy rarely hangs out and interacts with us, due in large part to his age, however, when we do make an effort to sit down and speak to him he’s generally very open with us. For me, I feel that due to my lack of Vietnamese there is only so much to talk to him about and it creates a barrier between myself and him. I have made concentrated efforts to sit down and talk to him but often times it was brief because of the limited amount of things that can be said. This has led to his exclusion due to my inability to communicate and include him. Nevertheless, I will continue to try and communicate with him and one possible solution is to have either Kristine or Thuy Linh help. Unfortunately, this could make him intimidated or ruin the dynamics by having a conversation with a girl. For example, I recall talking with him and some of the older boys about girls and how in America people generally find tan skin more attracted. He said he preferred girls with whiter skin because they are more beautiful and because it means their family has money. Kristine and Emily was also there and when one of the boys ask who was prettier between the two, it seems that he become somewhat embarrassed and from that point became more reserved. While I can easily ignore this and keep this boy excluded, it is really important for me to talk to him because at eighteen, it is a very important time in his life. I have a younger brother his age and to me I guess naturally I want to play that older brother role, but at the same time I know I am not and I do not want to force him or put him in uncomfortable situations.
With the issue of exclusion and inclusion in regards to gender, the difficult thing here is how to find ways in which to include the boys and girls and have them interacting with one another in a peaceful and efficient manner. Unfortunately, the boys will generally keep to themselves and the girls as well and even when they come together to play games, the boys will often be on one team and the girls on another. While I understand this has a lot to do with it being the tendencies of children to segregate by gender and perhaps in some way a culture thing, I think it’s important for both girls and boys to get along especially since them live with one another. The physical and verbal attacks definitely take a toll on the kids, especially those who are targeted most often. We have tried to alleviate the tension and create harmony with the two by for example, I say that boys should not hit girls and we intervene when fights break out, but the progress has definitely been slow. Perhaps nothing will ever change but if we can lessen the “brutality” then I think we would have definitely succeeded.

While I can’t speak for the other members of the group, I am not satisfied with simply helping a few kids and making an impact on them. I have tried to go over it in my mind, however, personally, if I can’t help every kid in one way or another I know I will feel as though I have failed. I know that doing so will be very difficult and perhaps not feasible at all, but it is something I think about a lot when I reflect on my experiences at Xa Me. Why couldn’t I help this kid, why didn’t I try harder to get him/her involved, or what can I do to include this kid? These are all questions that race in my mind when I think about exclusion and inclusion.

Foreign Frenzy in Hectic Hanoi

The 1000 year anniversary brought hundreds of thousands of people from all around the world to Hanoi for what was supposed to be a once in a lifetime celebration. Millions of dollars were poured into preparing the city to be a “magical place” with grand decorations and millions more were spent on events. While this may have helped Hanoi by bolstering nationalism and boost the local economy, in my opinion everything else was mediocre at best. Every night for ten days the streets of downtown Hanoi was littered with foreigners not really being able to appreciate Hanoi for what it really was¸ a cultural center of Vietnam and the locals abhorring the traffic and mess caused by the 10 day affair. For me everything is geared towards projecting an image of Hanoi that is not really Hanoi because the target is not towards the residence but to the international community. Inherently, during this process certain things (primarily positive) will be emphasized while less appealing things would be concealed. Unfortunately, this process of selecting certain aspects to accentuate and conceal obviously lies in the hand of the government and not the people. There are no forums into which people are able to input their feelings and opinions and subsequently, the government agenda dictates the course of action, which is true for all aspect of people’s life. While many argue that the government has lessen their grip, this is one big example of government control.

Initially, I was very excited by the 1000 year anniversary and I planned to go downtown every day leading up to 10/10/10 and after attending the first day and seeing the spectacular firework show, I was even more excited. However, my enthusiasm was not matched by my fellow peers, both Hanu students and a majority of the UC students. In fact, they were counting down the days when all the mayhem and chaos would be over. To them the 1000 is more of a hassle than celebration because it signifies congestion, filth, and a bunch of foreigners running amok. One very notable observation was that the Old Quarter was dominated by foreigners particularly at night. While there were some Vietnamese out and about, these people were generally dressed impressively and thus, I suspect they were higher class and rich folks who could afford being out and about. Besides these higher class Vietnamese, the majority of people wondering the streets at night were foreigners because the average Hanoian was busy hard at work. In a sense, the 1000 year anniversary was no longer a celebration by the Hanoians to celebrate their tradition and culture, but rather an opportunity for advertisement. This is what provided the turning point and made my opinion about the celebration change drastically. I did not want to contribute or take part in this “phony” celebration and coupled that with the congested streets, I too joined my peers in wanting it to all come to an end. Finally, that day came and besides the garbage that still litter the streets and lake, Hanoi has returned to is normal state.

Not Organize

Organizational structure, or the lack of it, is a significant concern in regards to Xa Me. The owners of the organization seem non-existent in terms of their presence and the rules that are supposed to be in place. Besides the past week in which we were informed at the last second that we had to change the dates in which we could volunteer, I have only saw one of the two person in charge for the second time. In our encounter I was quite shocked by her attitude and honestly quite angered and irritated because she was very nonchalant about it. She could easily sense that we that we were not particularly happy about moving the dates¸ especially no one had notified us in advanced. Rather than being apologetic she shifted blame onto us by stating immediately after that she was not informed about us missing a week due to the central trip. In a very sad, overly dramatic tone, she said that the kids were worried, which worried her because she didn’t know what was going on. We told her that we were under the impression that our teacher had inform her and we had already informed the children. This was not a matter of changing days and inconveniencing us that bothered me but rather because of her attitude and from an organizational standpoint, her wanting us to communicate to her about specific details but for us to not expect the same treatment. Nevertheless, both owners are hardly ever there and there are both negative and positive implications.

On the one hand, it gives us a great reign of freedom to facilitate and teach whatever curriculum we so choose. In this regards, I feel that the flexibility if harnessed in the correct way can be very effective in helping the children. Unlike many of the other stories I hear from my fellow peers about their organization and the strict structure, there is no supervision and we are free to do pretty much anything we want. This way we are not constrained by guidelines or rules that say we can’t do this or that, but it definitely has its downfall. In the first couple weeks, I think we fell victim to this very relaxed and unconstrained environment and we also had a lack of structure and formal instructions. We “hung out” a lot with the children and although it was necessary to build a relationship and gain the children’s trust, it was not going to teach them the things they would need and eventually use. At the end of the second week, I began to feel somewhat useless and because we had gotten so use to the unorganized/informal setting, I think everyone was a bit frustrated. Further, I could see that the children were becoming more restless and rowdy because they were under the impression that our objective was to come and just play with them. When there is down time, it seems that the children are more likely to fight and argue with one another. These occurrences seem to be very frequent and in my opinion it is due to living with no real structure and guidance. So we decided to change that immediately by introducing structure and although we encountered some turbulence along the way, the transition has been overall smooth and the results more effective.

With this new knowledge and ability to harness the freedom derived from the lack of organizational structure, we ourselves have begun to implement our own structure into the organization and it has gone a long way. Having a structured plan and implementing it has been very effective in teaching the children English as well as relieving the stress on ourselves. Every day in which we come and volunteer, the children now know what to expect and so they can prepare themselves. For us, there’s no longer stressing over what to do next or how to control the children because in this setting, the children are very well behaved. Regardless of the children’s background or how they were raised, every children can learn to function in an organized, structured environment given the time and patience. I can see that a lot of the children want to learn and by giving them structure and providing with them with a platform to learn, I think they can achieve their goals.

Rice

This past Sunday we traveled to the outskirts of Hanoi to harvest rice in the fields of a very pleasant and welcoming farmer. Waking up at 6 am and driving 1 hour was not exactly an ideal way to start the day, however, the excitement was quite obvious among my fellow peers. I could infer from the look on their faces and the conversation that this was an opportunity to have an “authentic” rural Vietnamese experience. Working as day laborers they were expected to harvest the entire field just as many wage laborers in this farming village often did. After speaking with some of the locals they told the story of a village with a very bleak future, one in which has become very reliant on wage laborers. The appeal of community and tradition can no longer sustain in this new age of globalization and therefore, many of the younger people are either leaving the village or going out and working in the cities. All that is left are the elders who eventually become too old to tend the fields and thus require assistance. As a result, many of the wage laborers are hired to do this particular work and for a few hours my fellow peers were able to walk in their shoes. I, myself, would not get the opportunity to harvest the rice, but I helped prepare and cook the lunch for all the “day laborers,” nearly 45 people in total. My experience was interesting nevertheless and I was able to learn a great deal working alongside the women cooking, such as cooking is a very long and strenuous process. Further, as I venture out into the village, playing with the kids and talking with the locals, I also gained some insight into what has created the current environment of the village.

According to the locals that we spoke with, land distribution during the war was based on the number of people in a household and thus, the more children you had, the more land you would receive from the government. This fact was quite notable because it possibly explained why in older generations, such as my grandmother, families tended to be larger and have more children. It wasn’t that they were bored and had “nothing to do” as I once suggested to my grandmother, but it was in fact beneficial to do so. In reality, having a large family was ideal because not only did you receive more land, but you would have the resources to ensure the land was utilized efficiently. However, the government began introducing birth control programs during the 1980s and the maximum number of children in one household was typically two. The land was no longer distributed by the number of people in the household and the household kept the same land and subsequently, having many children without the resources to provide for them became very unwise. In the locals opinion, this was the turning point or the downturn of the village. The families could no longer support themselves and thus the dynamics of the village also began to change. This in turn led to changes in the farming techniques and agriculture. In addition, to the reliance on wage laborers, there was also a great increase in fertilizers, pesticides, and other artificial agricultural tools. The locals also revealed to us that they received their new harvesting machine this year and in my opinion, this will decrease the need for laborers. It is very evident from the shift in farming procedures and tools that the forces at work, for a lack of a better word, globalization is influencing every aspect of Vietnam. I feel as though eventually, the village itself will become obsolete because the demands of the government and outside entities towards development will force the people to change their lifestyles. We are already observing it slowly beginning to happen and with its location only 1 hour away from the city, the future of this village as a farm land will be no more.

Typically, tending to the field and harvesting is a communal effort by both genders, however, a household duty such as cooking is done exclusively by the women. I thought it would be interesting to disrupt this dynamic and do a job typically assigned to women. I, myself, generally love to cook and am quite capable of handling my own. However, in this situation, the cooking process was very different what I imagined. First off, cooking for so a large number of people made it difficult to gage how much food to cook and so we overestimated the amount of food needed. Secondly, the Hanu students seemed to naturally take charge and from what I can derive, they seemed very comfortable and familiar with the task at hand. I did feel out of place at hands because of my gender, but I think the UC people felt that way in general.

Invading Space

The kids are confined to the house and while some do sneak out at night, they are very limited to public spaces. Sometimes they are taken on field trips but I believe this is an infrequent occurrence, which often times make them very restless. In my opinion, this is the main reason why they are often verbally and physically attacking each other. This is very common among many children who have very few outlets to express themselves and utilize their energy, so I don’t really blame them. The only thing inside the house to occupy the children is a television, a small game room with a foosball and ping pong table, and some old playing card. Further, the lack of private spaces particularly for the older children, augments to the fighting and bullying. I couldn’t imagine being able to live with 20+ other children in a limited space. For me personally, it’s very difficult to imagine this and often times when I see 10 kids trying to fit on one bed, it really saddens and bothers me. The conditions are very bad and its hard to place myself in their perspective. Growing up I shared a room with my brother until the age of 14 and sharing a room with one other person was already difficult enough. The relationship that the children have with one another is in many ways similar to the one I shared with my own brother. We were constantly bickering, fighting, and at each other’s neck. Looking back on it, I can say that it was due in large part to the limited space we had to share and being unable to have our own private space. One could never be alone and the other always knew what the other was up to. Also, growing up I would hear stories from my mother who had nine brothers and sisters and they would often have to share one bedroom in very cramp spaces. At the time and still now, it’s hard for me to understand or even imagine what it would be like. While I understand that it is certainly better than living on the streets, I can’t deny that it’s a very difficult and uncomfortable situation to live in and seeing that bothers me sometimes.

In terms of the physical space, most children seem to disregard what we typically refer to as a person’s “personal space.” I want to analyze this in two components, in relation to the children and in relation to myself. First, they are constantly in each other’s face with verbal barrages and physically attacking one another on a daily basis. Again, as I previously mentioned, this is due in large part to the fact that they don’t have their own personal space and are forced to share. In my opinion, what makes this situation worse is the fact that these children, from what I can see, was never really taught the idea of respecting someone’s personal space. As a result, I hear many of the children complain about the other kids going through their personal items and sometimes I hear about thefts. One cannot and I personally do not put the blame solely on the children not because they don’t know better, but because they tight and closed-off environment they are in forces them constantly be near one another. I will see boys go through the drawers of the girls or the girls screaming in the faces of the boy. It is important to note that the physical and verbal attacks come from both the boys and the girls. While one may be quick to assume that the boys are solely responsible for the physical abuse or the girls tease one another, from my observation, it is nearly equal among both the boys and the girls.

When I am there, both the girls and boys love are constantly all over me, whether it’s tickling from the girls, “boxing” from the guys, or horsey-back rides for both. For me, growing up with many cousins, this is not such a big problem, however, I know that for the other volunteers, this can often times be a problem because they are not use to it and it makes them really uncomfortable. Unfortunately, the children are unable to pick up on the cues and will persist and even when we tell them to stop they will sometimes continue. Again, I cannot blame the children for this because they were never taught the idea of personal space and being in such a tight closed environment, perhaps the rules change or perhaps it’s a culture thing. I have observed that the Vietnamese culture, particularly among the same sex and of younger people, people seem to be much more intimate and touchy-feely. While as Americans, in our culture it is more appropriate to keep our distance, maybe we interpret the behavior as the children as not normal but in fact is normal in the context of the Vietnamese culture. I have notice that boys and girls of even college age still have the tendency to playfully hit one another or tease each other frequently. Subsequently, the idea of public, private, and personal physical spaces are different from my own views and I must take it upon myself to recognize it and view the children’s behaviors and actions in a different context. I think this is a great realization and will be very useful in the future.

Can We Just Stay Here: This Hue to the Good Life

When people talk about Vietnam, they generally focus on either Hanoi in the North or Saigon in the South and rarely is the Central ever mentioned. During the Vietnam War and previous conflicts, Central Vietnam served as a very critical strategic location which when given up by the South in 1968 was one of the factors in the North’s victory. This most likely explains why many of the cities we visited in the Central had roads that were formerly airstrips and Da Nang itself use to be a large U.S military base. During the tour of the DMZ, it was also explained that the Central were the location of many battles because it was in many people’s eyes, the key to winning the war. Beyond being a strategic military location, not much is known about the Central by many outsiders and even the Vietnamese people. Of course, there are some major international attractions like Hoi An, but the region as a whole is constantly overshadowed by the North and South. However, things are beginning to drastically change and with the great influx of foreign investments and the presence of foreigners, the central will soon emerge as its on cultural and economic center. My fear is that the growth and development going on here is not sustainable or organic and takes a very Western approach. I have yet to travel to the South, but in comparison to the North, Central Vietnam is significantly different and unique in its own right and offer many things not found in its northern counterpart, such as a greater variety of different foods. Interestingly enough, this difference sparked a huge debate between myself and some very prideful Hanu students. My personal view is that the central, lead by Da Nang has the potential to surpass Hanoi in terms of international attraction and economics.

Although, the government is starting loosen its grip in terms of regulation and control in Hanoi, in my opinion the reign of freedom is more limited than in Central cities. As a result of its location, cities like Da Nang have more options in terms of development and many people deem it to be the “second Singapore” and essentially the vital link to California and Southeast Asia. The East-West Corridor, which begins in Myanmar runs through Thailand, makes Da Nang the vital highway to the Western world. While the North looks to the government for guidance and the South relies heavily on foreign influence, I believe the Central has a great blend and its own independence in decision making. One notable thing about Da Nang is that although it is very developed in terms of infrastructure, buildings, and economy, there is still an unofficial curfew at about 10 pm. Many of the shops, café, and even night club begin to close their doors and a silence falls about the city. I was truly shocked that such a developed city could shut down for the night, especially at such an early time. However, I see this as an effort to preserve old traditions and customs in the face of globalization and the fact that the city unofficially sleeps at 10 is really significant.

Another thing that stood out in the Central was that in cities like Da Nang and even Hue, I saw a lot more foreigners than in Hanoi, which surprised me a lot. This could be due to a number of things, but my guess is that less government regulations¸ more tourist destinations, better food, and the people account for this phenomenon. This leads back to the debate I was having with some of the Hanu students and these are some of the reasons I listed about why I enjoyed Central Vietnam much more than Hanoi. They attribute it to the fact that I’ve been in Hanoi longer and the Central was something new, so naturally it would resonate with me more. While this may be a credible argument, the fact of the matter is some of the latter reasons are irrelevant to their argument. For one, there was a great deal more variety of food in the Central and to me the food was of a better quality in terms of taste and flavors. The foods in Central Vietnam seem to employ more spices, sweetness, and stronger flavors which I am accustomed to while the food in Hanoi seem to be bland. In response, the Hanu students argued that our families are from the South so we are accustomed to these flavors which is different from the North own style. However, we are not all ethnically Vietnamese and you can’t argue with 24 different taste buds from very different backgrounds.

Another stark difference was the attitude and pleasantness of the people from the Central who seem to be much more welcoming and accommodating. One experience in particular occurred when a group of us went to eat. The owner created us with a warm smile sat us down near fans and started to explain the different foods they offered. When we told him we weren’t sure, he started to suggest different dishes and eventually selected a very delicious three course meal, consisting of Bun Bo Hue, Banh xeo, and noodles. He continued to converse with us and other customers and checked on us frequently. Even many of the Hanu students who have been to the central had to concede that the service was better than in the North. The dinner was exceptionally cheap and we were even given wet napkins for free, which if we were back in the North would have been charged for. Another example of difference in behavior, was the lack of unnecessary honking that occurred on the road, which was very pleasant after the constant bombardment of beeps and honks back in Hanoi. Overall the people we’re much more friendlier and welcoming than Hanoians and this was true for all the Central cities we visited.

To conclude the Central trip, it was an exceptionally enjoyable experience that I would have loved to experience for a longer period of time. Speaking on behalf of all the UC students, the Central in comparison to the North is a much more pleasant and comfortable place to live. The difference in opinion between myself and the Hanu students will never be resolved and expectedly so, and while I understand where they are coming from, my opinions are very strong based on my experiences. The friendliness of the people, the large variety of flavorful food, and just the overall feel of the place made it extremely hard to return to Hanoi. I even sense some resentment and anger from people when we arrived home and suitably, we were greeted by an angry man yelling at one of our members for no particular reason. Welcome back to Hanoi, ladies and gentlemen.

Helpless in Hanoi

After a few weeks now, the children have really opened up to me and some have begun sharing their stories; stories about who they are, what they like, and more even more sensitive, their background and how exactly they ended up at the orphanage. While I cannot disclose their stories, the things that I have heard have surprised me tremendously. When I decided to volunteer for this program, my motivation in selecting Xa Me was that the children grew up with no parental figure or role model and were literally street children with no parents. My goal was to be some sort of role model to these children and given them tools essential to succeeding in life. However, I realized that they do have families and some are often aware of their family existence and whereabouts. The reason for some of the children’s placement in the orphanage is because they’re family do not have enough resources to provide for the whole family and subsequently, some of the children must be given up. Sometimes it is more than one kid as evident by the fact that there is a brother and sister staying at the orphanage. Another surprising thing I discovered was the fact that one of the older girls had to apply to get into the orphanage. She is currently attending cooking school and for the sake of transportation and saving money she stays there, but is free to return home whenever she can. This perhaps explains why it was the first time I saw her in the three weeks I have been volunteering. These facts change the dynamic of what constitutes an orphanage and if a girl has to apply to stay at an orphanage, issues of ethics have to be raised.

These aforementioned issues only begin to scratch the surface of what concerns ethically about the orphanage. I understand that this is Vietnam and some of things I am accustomed to are not applicable here, but not everything can be negotiable. For one, the safety and supervision of the children of the orphanage cannot be compromised. My biggest concern has to be the lack of supervision that I see when I visit the orphanage especially at night. It’s obvious that the children seem very self-efficient, but the fact of the matter is, kids will be kids. Without supervision, the children will do as they please and there is not much stopping them from leaving and wandering the streets at night. Perhaps this explains why I see some of the older kids less often than the younger ones and why they will sometimes bring friends over. My fear is that the younger children will see this and as they begin to get older replicate the behavior and tendencies of the older children. Another concern has to do with the friends that the older children bring over. While a majority of them seem like very nice people, there are a few that the children seem to fear and in the second week, I encountered one girl like I just described. She verbally threatened a few children and badgered others to answer whether they liked her or not and often times she would feed them the answers. The physical threat here is a concern, but more critically, I believe the emotional and psychological abuse that is occurring here has a bigger impact on the children. I did step in, but it seems to anger her more and her attitude seemed to suggest that in my absence it would continue. In the future, maybe someone will bring someone over who is even worse than this girl and then who will protect the children. Are the owners of this orphanage aware of outsiders coming in and if so what is there feelings?

I believe the owners are not aware of the presence of the outsiders because from what I have heard from the children, they are very strict. It is simply a matter of them not caring too much and assuming the role of financial caregiver. Don’t get me wrong, it is a great deed that they are doing, but ethically, if you open an orphanage to provide for the well-being of children, it should encompass the physical, emotional, and psychological components. As we have learned from John Bowlby’s attachment theory, physical caregiving is not nearly as important as emotional, which impact the children tremendously. In his experiments as well as others who study attachment, secure attachment relationship is the biggest assurance of future healthy relationships. These children obviously do not have the attachment figure to help ensure that they will have a healthy physical, emotional, and psychological future. I do not want to generalize and say that all these children will turn out bad, but it certainly does not help their situation. Further, it also seems that there may be some kind of reprimand in the event that the children misbehave. The children sometimes will say things to me and follow up with a do not tell the owners. This suggests to me two things; either there is physical abuse going on or psychological abuse, in the form of threatening to kick the children out of the orphanage if they misbehave. I have no concrete evidence or proof of this, but having dealt with troubled youth in the past, I have an intuition about things like this. Further, if this is true, what exactly can I do?

Ethically, I know I am obligated to do what I can to protect these children but with little resources or the know-hows, I am limited in what I can do. This has a big drain on me emotionally because I care so much about each and every single one of them. I try not to think about this but when I am there, it’s a constant in my mind. All I can do now is try my best to help the children and in my heart I trust I will know the right thing to do.

Rich in a Sense

I recalled having a conversation awhile back with my grandmother about why she decided to have ten children considering she did not have the resources to support such a large family. Her response was that when one converses with new people, they do not generally talk about finances or how much money they make but rather they talk about their family. For her she’d rather have a large family and struggle than be rich and have fewer children. Subsequently, for her wealth and happiness is measured by the family. While this struck me by surprise and I argued that it was faulty logic and I’d rather be rich financially than be rich with children, this actually seems to be particularly true among the older, traditional Vietnamese.

Earlier today I encountered two older gentlemen, who looked to be in their early fifties, while walking with a few fellow students and they invited us to sit and eat. They were very friendly and we soon discovered that one of the men was actually the owner of the Bun Bo Hue restaurant. We began to converse and discovered that they have actually been to America before and stayed for an extended period of time. As the conversation continued, we decided to interview these two men for our weekend assignment figuring this would be a very interesting perspective. So we started by asking the question about how to distinguish the categorization of being “poor” and “not poor.” By their attire, it was quite obviously they were well off so I personally expected them to speak about and focus on material things versus items of necessity, such as being poor signified not having a motorbike or a house. However, the two men came from poorer backgrounds and worked their way to become successful and they ultimately understood both sides of the spectrum. They shared similar ideas about what distinguished an individual as being poor such as not being able to provide basic necessities like food and shelter for family and constantly having to worry about money because you have no to very little of it. The owner of the shop shared with us his story about growing up having very little and sometimes having to go without food. What resonated with him the most was the suffering and sadness he saw in his parents faces knowing they could not support the large family. Nevertheless, he goes on to emphasize the importance of family and how he would not have made it to where he was today without them. This compelled me to think about my conversation with my grandma so I probed further and asked whether he would rather have a large family and be poor or be rich and have very few family members. To my surprise he didn’t suggest that one could be rich and have a large family, but rather he said he would always pick having a big family because money cannot buy you happiness.

The following question I asked in the context of development in Vietnam and so when I asked whether the gap between the rich and poor is increasing or decreasing, they both agreed it was dramatically increasing. They actually blamed the foreign influence and at that point referred to a few of us as being Viet Kieu, which actually offended me, but nevertheless I understood where he was coming from. He says that he was afraid when he opened his Bun Bo Hue shop that the northerners would not enjoy his food and business would be bad. However, the location of the shop exposed it to a lot of foreign customers and thus boasted business. Despite benefiting from this economically, he argued that foreigners are disrupting Vietnam and will further increase the gap between the rich and poor. Both men, while still courteous and pleasant to us, seem to have a negative attitude towards foreigners, particularly Vietnamese Americans who they view as not truly Vietnamese. So finally when asked what direction the gap was headed in the next ten years, they pointed to the foreigners walking past us and explained it would only get bigger.

Love the Kids

In the first week, the language barrier was my biggest concern due to my background and lack of proficiency in Vietnamese. While I could pick up some of the words and phrases, I relied heavily on Kristine to translate and communicate with the children. I would often have to ask her what a child said or tell the children to tell Kristine so she could translate for me. As a result, while I still bonded with the children my interactions with the children were primarily on a physical level, which made me frustrated. However, I felt my frustration was not a lack of language skills (I was simply using this as an excuse to not force myself into uncomfortable situations) but rather my level of comfort and willingness to speak Vietnamese. I knew this had to change because communication would be a big part of my relationship with the children and if I truly cared for them and wanted to help them I knew I had to be able to speak with them. This was the key to expanding upon our relationship, making it more beneficial to the children.

So this following week, I decided to put my excuses aside and really try to communicate with the children. While it was unfortunate Kristine was sick and could not go, it was a great opportunity for me to force myself to speak and verbally communicate with the children knowing Emily would have to rely on me. During the bus ride over to the orphanage, I was rather anxious thinking about how the next four hours would play out. When we finally got there, we greeted the children and they asked about chị Kristine. To my surprise, I was able to explain to the children that she was sick and while she wanted to come, she could not make it. The children responded by pointing out who among them had also caught some kind of sickness. This exchange went on for a little while with more kids jokingly saying they were sick: headaches, coughs, and even heartaches. We joked and laughed about it and after realizing that I had communicated with the children without any assistance I began to calm down and actually had a newfound willingness to talk and have more exchanges. We proceeded to move upstairs and we ate dinner and the conversations began to continue. Even Emily was able to speak a few words here and there and the children confirmed with me in Vietnamese that they understood. I realize that with Kristine gone I had assumed her role and I was actually doing a very adequate job. Later in the evening the children were able to teach me a few games that relied on using Vietnamese and I successfully learned how to play. In my mind, this had been the breakthrough I was looking for and now I knew I could finally begin to truly help the children.

This was one of my biggest goals from the beginning, to acquire enough Vietnamese to efficiently communicate with the children and subsequently, build a relationship with them and help them more. This week we again decided to keep the environment informal because I did not feel confident enough to adequately explain certain activities to the children. The relationship between myself and children is definitely growing and I have to admit I am moderately afraid that we are getting too attached. Personally for me, it doesn’t feel like an obligation to go and volunteer because spending time with the children make me feel like I’m at home again playing with all my cousins. Furthermore, I am bonding with all the children and I think they really trust me because they share with me their stories. There are moments when we are able to joke around and then moments when we can discuss more serious matters. However, being older and knowing the situation, I that I have to refrain from getting to close because I know the ramifications involved and in the end the children have the most to lose. This is a constant dilemma that is constantly in the back of mind, knowing that in just four months I will be returning home and the possibility that I will see these children again are very slim and unlikely. Nevertheless, I really care for all of them and I want to do everything in my power and with my limited time here to help them all succeed in one way or another. I am still searching for the answers and with this new breakthrough I think I am beginning to near it.

First Interview

Rarely does anything we plan in life occur how we want it, which foreshadows our first few attempts at interviewing a pho seller. Our first target was the pho shop on 49 Ban Tran, renowned for its delicious bowls of pho accompanied by fried Vietnamese doughnut, not sure of the exact name. Thursday was chosen as our first attempt which so happen to coincide with Vietnam’s Independence Day. We immediate realized this was a big mistake because the line extended passed the door into the streets. In fact, we waited 30 minutes for our bowl of pho, which I must admit was worth the wait. The was nothing particular special about the pho besides the fact that they cracked a raw egg into the soup, but the flavor definitely intrigued the taste buds. In addition to the egg, the pho consisted of noodles, a few variety of vegetables, and an abundance of beef. The broth was seasoned just right with a slight sweet flavor to it and the meat was not chewy as customary of Vietnamese beef. Overall, I would have to say it was one of the best bowls of pho I had since my arrival in Vietnam. Nevertheless, we waited and waited for the line to dissipate before attempting to engage the owner of the shop, but after waiting a couple hours we decided to call it a day and accept defeat.

Our second attempt came on Sunday afternoon, when we hoped the line wasn’t as bad. While there still was a wait, we were able to enjoy a bowl of pho as we waited for an opportunity. Finally, it came and we approached one of the owners of the shop. So we explained to her that we were doing a project for school and asked if we could interview her. We even followed up with a “if you’re busy we can come back and do it when it’s best for you.” Unfortunately, she shot us down and we went home sad and defeated. Following those two bad experiences, we became somewhat desperate and began to ask around at the pho places near campus. Attempt after attempt ended with the same results, either they were busy or they simply did not want to do it.

Things begin to get real desperate with time running out so today we decided to visit every pho place until we could finally get an interview. Luckily I was accompanied by two lovely girls, Hayley Huong and Mai, who were able to use their charm to get an interview with a 22-year-old pho seller. I primarily listened while I recorded the interview, but from my perspective the interview went really well. The flow of the conversation was very smooth, everything was very natural, and there were definitely no moments of awkward silence or pauses. Further, our interviewee seemed very enthusiastic about helping us, whether it was he was interested in what we were doing or because he was charmed by my two counterparts remains unanswered. However, having such a willing and accommodating interviewee helped the process a great deal. He even gave us a cup of tra for free and we actually didn’t even purchase food. These different factors ensured that our interviewed turned great and despite the initial setbacks, the interviewed turned out how I imagined it turning out to be.

This first interview is definitely a great learning experience. Some of the things I definitely learned for the future: everything will not go according to plan and you must be ready to adjust and adapt, try to keep the interview somewhat informal and conversational, and keep on preserving. Personally, I will try to jump into the conversation and interject my own questions in Vietnamese instead of relying on my teammates. Nevertheless, I think we did a great job and I look forward to the next interviews.

Service Learning

To be quite truthful, I was a little bit nervous going into this service learning project and although I have volunteered with similar organizations and have plenty of experience with my own family, I knew this would be very different. There are the obvious obstacles such as the language barrier and my limited time in Vietnam. I understand Vietnamese but speak only a small amount and rarely complete sentences and subsequently, I knew I wouldn’t be able to articulate what I feel or what I am thinking to the children. After my first week, my fears were confirmed and at times it gets extremely frustrating. I get along absolutely great with the children but I realize that there is so much I could tell them and help them with if my Vietnamese was more proficient. For example, they were trying to teach me a card game but due to the language barrier I wasn’t able to pick it up. However despite this obvious obstacle, this has motivated me to another level to improve my Vietnamese and to be able to communicate better with the children.

Besides the language barrier, another issue that has been bothering me is the fact that I am only going to be here for a limited amount of time and on top of that I am only scheduled to work 2 days a week. I don’t want the children to feel as though I am obligated to volunteer and in the end I will be gone leaving them as if nothing happened. This is very difficult for me because although I have only been with these kids for a week, I care tremendously for each and every one of them. For me, playing and interacting with the children is very natural because of my large family and the experience I have had with children. I understand that I am supposed to keep my “distance” due to the fact that I will be leaving in 5 months and the impact on the children would be far worse, but I can help but start to feel connected and attached to them. I must admit that the first day was the most difficult in particular because initially I felt pity for these children. While my mother loved me tremendously, my father wanted nothing to do with me and although the reasons may be different, I understand how it feels to not be wanted. I truly feel that it’s the worse feeling to ever experience, to want so badly another’s affection and not to be able to acquire it. So the dilemma for me is how to be able to keep my distance emotionally so that the children are not so badly affected when I leave. I can already sense the children getting attached and I am still trying to find a solution but I’m not sure I can.

My goal for the next four months is help the children realize that they are all very special and capable of anything they put their mind to and I truly believe it. People may say its cliché or I’m giving them false hope but I truly feel I can make an impact. I will obviously help teach them English and things that are essential to life, but I want to influence them in a way that they can forever remember. I want to give these children something that they can utilize and will be applicable in their life. What exactly am I hoping to accomplish is still developing but I will try my best and in the short time I’m here I will certainly do everything in my power.

Mapping the City Part II

When we arrived at the sky tower, it became immediately obvious I was in a new environment. The tower seemed to reach up and touch the sky and while the actual building was still under construction, it was nevertheless intimidating. I think the formidable appearance was done purposely as a means to make people aware of its presence while simultaneously ensuring that they kept their distance. Although, the building was right on the corner of the street, its entrance was tucked away from the street and also it had a gate that enclosed it, accompanied by security. The tower contained primarily office spaces and residential units. For me, I felt as if I was in New York in front of a higher-end apartment complex that I was not privy to enter and should turn away from immediately. It had that kind of a presence to the building and when we entered we were immediately met by security and a front desk, which asked us our business for entering the building and that a clearance pass was required. I find this quite amusing and was moderately shocked when the building was not even really occupied yet.

My expectation for the second more modern space was that it would be much more difficult to find traditional things like uncooked rice or fresh meet. I had the image of a space that resembled a very western developed urban area like San Francisco or Seattle with plenty of cafes and moderately taller buildings and in fact the surrounding area did match my description. Subsequently, I thought the mapping would take a great deal of work and time to find all the places, but to my surprise the mapping took much less time than the first one. After walking along the main street and discovering several of the objectives immediately like an oil change place, a Sinh Tố café, and a Sim card vendor, I was immediately relieved. However, after about 20 minutes we got rather frustrated walking down the street so we started to head back toward the Sky Tower and then we turned down a smaller street fairly close to the building. It was there that we begin to find the rest of the places we were searching for, such as the fresh meat, vegetables, and even people playing badminton. At that point we begin to find things a lot easier and in no time we were done.

The thing that was most notable about this mapping project was the close proximity between the Sky Tower and the more traditional space where we found traditional activities such as the selling of fresh meats. This proves my previous point in another blog that the distinction between a modern and traditional space has become obscure and it is difficult to say that this one area is modern while the other is traditional. I feel that it is impossible to draw a distinct line between modern and traditional even though sky tower was closed off by a gate. The future residence of the building will ultimately utilize the surrounding neighborhoods and thus the area must be included as one whole. Subsequently, I feel that the space is very much in transition and that it cannot be labeled as either traditional or modern. This is important because this is how I see Vietnam developing in terms of what the space will look like as it continues to develop. I see large buildings and modern infrastructure, like car dealerships and cafes being incorporated into “traditional spaces,” however, I don’t know if this is the greatest route for Vietnam’s development. For me, it seems as if it is trying to force the issue and trying to appease this sense of wanting to keep culture and tradition while moving forward. I would rather have more distinctive areas of modern and tradition, but I still recognize that the integration is necessary because the residence of modern infrastructure like Sky Tower need it. Nevertheless, I find it tacky and I feel that modernization and development should be something that is carefully plan something I did not feel while mapping. While I, myself don’t have the formula, I hope that a resolution can be reached.

A rhyming pace for a mapping space

The most notable observation and perhaps the essence of my experience is the conflict or dilemma I sense in Vietnam’s current transition. This was suppose to be a traditional space we were mapping, however, with the motorbike shops, liquor store, and other imitations of “Western symbols” it is highly difficult to distinguish this space as traditional. My observation compels me to question whether there are truly traditional spaces left in urban Vietnam and if these new transitioning spaces that obscures the idea of traditional and modern has replace the “old.” I wonder if Vietnam can continue on its path of development while simultaneously preserving its tradition and traditional spaces. Unfortunately, it seems the byproduct of development and modernization is the destruction of tradition, making the two mutually exclusive. To sum up my experience, I would have to say it was bittersweet. Bitter because I don’t have the opportunity to appreciate the Vietnam in which my grandmother lived and knowing this country will move further away from tradition. Sweet in a sense because development offers the possibility of a better living condition for some of the Vietnamese people.



Disclaimer: The following is a rhyming piece I wrote about my experience in the space we mapped. Everything I described was actually things that were experienced by the group and was in no way fabricated. Hope you enjoy!


Walking down Trần Xuân Xoạn street
It’s hurting my feet and I can’t begin to describe the unbearable heat
But to ride a motorbike along is to cheat
Making this whole experience… bittersweet
So where do we start?
We look to the left: lo and behold, there is Hôm mart
A market with plenty of things to buy
So to escape the heat, we decided to go inside
We find fresh meats, veggies, and fruits to try
But no where do we see shoes being shined
Look there’s cooking oil and nước măm too
But again we see no little boys shinning other people’s shoes

Next we exit the market and continue on our way
Hoping that this project doesn’t take up too much of our day
Mai says to the group: “lets finish this in two hours”
Instantly, the group feels immensely empowered
So we all begin to frantically scour
Knowing if we don’t oblige, her face will quickly turn sour
Where can we eat phở bò or drink some sinh tố
We ask some of the locals and they all seem to know
Go here. It’s there.
Perhaps my brain is impaired, but I swear, these people seem to be pointing everywhere

But we trust in the people for this is their home
They live on the streets… this is where their children roam
No longer on the mean streets near Hanu University, I am in a new space
A new fragrance, a new feel, and a different new taste.
Despite our race against time.. it seems we’re being chased
We sit down to drink some tra da and enjoy the nice change of pace
Under a tree and next to an elementary
The 2000 we pay seems like such a nominal fee
An hour has past there’s still plenty of things on the list
So I look to my left, and Mai is looking awfully pissed

Giang leads the troop with five of us in toll
And we quickly knock out… one, two, three…. tasks in a roll
We’re almost done
But we can’t find badminton
Wait. Here’s bia hoa. A favorite of Thầy Gerard.
And a place to buy envelopes and pens, a pagoda, the troop marches onward
We finally near the end of our 3 hour journey, an adventure indeed
And despite the lack of speed, I must concede
That in our goal of mapping a space we did succeed
But that is superseded by our ultimate goal to understand the concept of space in Vietnam
Which begin to finally understand as we ride away down Ngô Thì Nhâm.

when life gives you lemon

When you’re young, the opportunities are infinite because everything and anything seems possible. Flying doesn’t seem all that outrageous, travelling in a circus seems so much fun, and owning your own personal amusement park is quite feasible when you get a little bit older. We call it being young and naïve, but what we fail to see and appreciate is the imagination and enthusiasm so prevalent in our younger years. Somewhere along the way we lose this zest to the mundane routine of everyday life and the world suddenly isn’t so exciting. This applies to all aspects of life and I can somewhat relate to this notion. For this reason, the gig entry that resonated with me was the two cousins’ story about starting a lemonade stand.


From a young age, I also harbored the entrepreneurial spirit which compelled me to start my own businesses. Like the lemonade salesmen, Chris and Isaac Mauro, I started fairly young and the ideas I had were also unconventional. During the fifth grade, I began buying bulk packages of snacks and candies and started selling and trading with my peers. Although, it does not seem like a novel idea it was innovative at the time considering our only source of food was lunch from the cafeteria. Similarly, Chris and Isaac took a very traditional idea, made a few adjustments, and made their business a big hit. Soon the school caught on and disallowed my business due to my competition with the cafeteria, however, I was able to convince the school to allow my class to sell ice cream and raise money. Subsequently, I shifted my business to trading cards, which were a hit back in the days. In slang terms, I was a little hustler, finding niches, and capitalizing.

I took this mantra of “anything is possible” with me and in particular, put it to good use when I became a senior in high school. When I became class president, my class was nearly five thousand dollars in debt and the prospect of having events such as boat cruise and senior ball was very bleak. While car washes and other fundraisers were efficient, they were not going to be able to raise the tens of thousands of dollars we needed, so I was forced to use my imagination and thing outside of the box. Through local-business sponsors, city-wide fundraisers, and other tactics, we were able to have a great senior year.

As I grew older, I kept my innovative thinking and branched out into other business ventures. At 18, I was able to process loans as an independent contractor due to my certification as a notary public. I was working for several lenders and did fairly well. However, soon the real estate market came crashing down and instead of leaving it I shifted my focus towards purchasing foreclosed homes in places like Cleveland, Atlanta, and Buffalo. I strongly feel that my strong reliance on my innovation and imagination that I developed younger truly helped me. As I entered college, I saw a niche for tax preparation, so I became certified and started a small business preparing taxes for college students. I coupled that with my real estate enterprise and created JT Solutions LLC, which is still functioning today.

Unfortunately, in recent years I gave into the traditional working for companies instead of continuing my entrepreneurial ambitions and I have witnessed the youthful innovation and imagination slowly slip away. So while this gig entry is very refreshing and uplifting I understand that the future is not so bright considering that I have been down that path before. I really enjoyed the dialogue between Chris and Isaac and how their business became something that they enjoyed. This entry really inspires me to break awhile from mundane life and dare to venture off on my own. I want to recapture my youth and have the freedom to do as I please.

My Life

On March 25, 1989, Lindzey Dau was experiencing difficulty as she attempted to give birth to her first child. Like many others, she had made the long, grueling trip across the Pacific Ocean nearly 12 years ago to escape the aftermath of war in Vietnam and here she sat enduring an equally terrifying experience. The already long, complicated process took a turn for the worse as doctors realized the umbilical cord was wrapped several times around the child’s neck cutting off air circulation. They rushed to extract the baby and after critical minutes passed, John Hung Tran graced the world with his presence. From that point forward, the world would never be the same.

Contrary to the chaos of my birth, my early childhood was relatively ordinary having grown up in Sacramento, California. According to others, I was always a very outgoing, loving, and very curious child, always valuing opportunities to engage with others and explore the world. However, I certainly got into some trouble for being too talkative and overzealous about wanting to touch and feel everything. Overall, I was a very good child so perhaps somewhere along the way past adolescence, something went wrong. haha

One significant event that occurred in my childhood and completely changed my life around was the divorce of parents. I was about eleven years old and finishing the final year of my elementary school when my normal, comfortable world came crashing down. With puberty on the horizon and so many other developments occurring, this was surely the most inopportune time. The divorce was very hard on me due to the unstable nature of my father. Apparently, he wanted to recapture his youth so he turned to partying, drugs, and alcohol. It is the most difficult thing to do, to watch a person you admire so much begin to slowly deteriorate and eventually he was gone. For a year I stayed with my grandmother as the nasty divorce continued, an experience that ultimately opened my eyes. As an immigrant from Vietnam, my grandmother did not have much money, so naturally she lived in a bad neighborhood where drugs, violence, and death were very common. My curiosity compelled me to wander the streets where I saw things that shocked and completely disrupted my thought process and my whole being. The essence of my stay with my grandmother can be represented by the fact that I witness my friend being shot nearly an arm length in front me. At that very moment, I realize that I could easily assimilate and become a victim or rise above the turmoil and hardship. Certainly, people have seen and experience far worse things, but for me these memories made me who I am today and I share them because they are very important to me.

Eventually, my mother gained full custody and she was able to move my brother and I to the Bay Area where she believed we could have a better life. In regards to my father, I found out months later that he conceded custody and was content on seeing us once a week. His bitterness towards my mother blinded him and the weekly visits soon turned to once a month and within a year, it ceased altogether. I had to go to therapy to recover but it was truly a long healing process that I still attempt to deal with today.

My brother and I excelled in our new environments doing well in school and becoming very active. I myself in particular worked exceptionally hard wanting to prove to my father I was worth his time. In addition to doing well academically, in high school I was very active, becoming Senior class president and prom king, captain of the basketball team, singing in choirs, commissioner on the city council and many other activities. In regards to working, I did wide array of jobs from commercial and residential real estate, nail salon, manager at Extreme Pizza, construction, bank teller, interning at Merrill Lynch, and even starting my own business, JT Solutions LLC. This was all partially motivated by the fact that I wanted to gain the affection and approval of my father so badly. Unfortunately, while it helped me excel and motivated me to do well, my goal of earning my father’s recognition was in vain, having seen or talk with him only twice in the last 10 years. Nevertheless, it made me who I am today, for better or worse, and having been raised by such a loving, caring, and extraordinary mother even without the financial support of my father surely compensated for the absence of my father.

Having closed that chapter of my life, I look forward to the future and Vietnam is essentially a big part of it. People often ask me why I chose Vietnam as the location to study abroad and the truth of the matter is I did not choose Vietnam but Vietnam chose me. Growing up my grandmother often told me stories about her homeland, which gave me a strange feeling of nostalgia. It was as if I had been before and everything she described felt so familiar. I knew all my life that I had to visit Vietnam and with the study abroad program I knew it was a perfect opportunity to fully experience the country. Subsequently, this upcoming semester I hope to take a very light class schedule so I can have the opportunity to explore and volunteer in the community. My goal is to learn anything and everything about Vietnam from the language to the customs to how to efficiently bargain. I am really spontaneous and I feel that making plans restricts an individual and so the truth of the matter is, I have no actual plans or expectation. I have a very open mind, which will aid me on my quest to discover the goals I hope to accomplish while in Vietnam. This is experience is dedicated to my family and especially my mom. =)